


but what if the urn had wi-fi

by amycarey



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-24 20:31:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2595482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amycarey/pseuds/amycarey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Okay so here are the Snow Queen's massive crimes:</i>
  <br/>
  <i>1: Kill a kidnapper preying on small girls</i>
  <br/>
  <i>2: Scare a dude who was actively trying to molest her</i>
  <br/>
  <i>3: Accidentally kill her sister</i>
  <br/>
  <i>How do you leap from "accidental death" to IMMA KILL EVERYONE BYE HANS.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>20 years sitting in a cramped urn? I would get fairly murderous. Probably wasn't wi-fi in there.</i>
</p><p>This fic asks the important question: what if the urn had wi-fi?<br/>Alternate Universe. Crack. Throwing shade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but what if the urn had wi-fi

**Author's Note:**

> For Karen, the best hate-watching buddy.

Thirty years in an urn gives you a lot of time for brooding, Ingrid reflects. She spends the first year curled up on the chaise lounge making snowmen and giving them names like Hubert and Donald and at one point she pretends the latest snowman (Sigmund) is a doctor and tells him her problems and he diagnoses her with hysteria so she throws an icicle at him.

 

By the end of the second year, she’s read all the books in the library. They’re mostly historical romances – bodice rippers – and she wonders at Rumpelstiltskin’s tastes.

 

It’s in the third year, she discovers The Computer. Paint occupies her attention for a month and then she makes Powerpoint presentations with titles like ‘I Am Sad That My Sister Is Dead’ and sometimes she types up her poetry in Word and plays around with the presentation. She uses a lot of extended metaphors about ice – melting, splintering, cracking, all that business.

 

It’s in the fourth year that she discovers the internet.

 

And it is _marvellous_. Over the course of the next twenty-six years she:

a)      Downloads all of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ (and she is emotionally devastated when Barney and Robin break up at the end)

b)      Watches every Youtube clip of kittens falling off things and babies laughing

c)       Creates a Tumblr account (snowqueensparkles.tumblr.com) where she reblogs pictures of Emma Frost and Tilda Swinton and Maggie Smith because she’s not a monster, okay?

d)      Gets Netflix and watches every TV show her followers reblog

e)      Discovers fanfiction.net

f)       Reads tvtropes.com. All of it.

 

And then she’s let out of the urn and she doesn’t have time to grab the laptop before she does and she was in the middle of a really great Paris/Rory fic and she’s pretty sure they were about to fuck so she’s pretty pissed off. Which would account for why she kills the dude who releases her because she so hasn’t bookmarked it on A03.

 

But there’s this girl and she’s pretty and scared and looks so like Helga her heart is struck once more by the loss of her sister. And it’s Gerda’s daughter and she forgave her sister at about year twelve, after binge watching all of ‘Charmed’ and sobbing uncontrollable at every other episode. “Are you Gerda’s daughter?” she asks and the girl says yes and Ingrid is happy, so very happy.

 

The girl – Elsa, which, cute name, weird polyester dress – takes her back to the castle and seems delighted to discover she has an aunt with powers just like hers.

 

“So,” Ingrid says, “what’s the wi-fi password?” Because, well, she doesn’t want to be rude but she’s pretty sure the latest episode of ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ is on and if she doesn’t watch it, her Tumblr feed will totally spoil it for her.

 

“The what?” Elsa asks, a look of faint puzzlement on her beautiful face. “Oh, Aunt Ingrid, do you want to build a snowman?”

 

Fuck. She’d forgotten. No internet in Arendelle.

 

She sneaks out of the castle at night, stealing some prophecy, and trading an obnoxious reindeer in the stables for a magic bean because she’ll be damned if she never gets to see Lucy Liu’s perfect face ever again.

 

Besides, the urn gave her a lot of time to think and a startling understanding of the many variations of human desires and she’s pretty sure Arendelle takes a dim view to pansexuality.

 

*

 

She ends up in the 90s. She’s watched TV shows from the 90s – mostly ‘Xena’, if she’s honest with herself. So she was expecting the grunge and the terrible music and the third wave feminism. She wasn’t expecting dial up.

 

It’s painful but at least she has television and radio and she joins geocities groups to write Xena/Gabrielle femmeslash. She also takes a job as a foster mother to pay rent and tries to decipher the prophecy every night while ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’ is on. It’s something to do with a girl called ‘Emma’, which is frustrating because it’s not like it’s a particularly unique first name – but she secretly hopes that it’s Emma Watson.

 

Then Emma Swan comes into her life. She’s surly and uncommunicative and from what Ingrid can tell she’s just broken up with her first girlfriend – if the moping over video footage of a pretty Latina girl and doodling of ‘Emma <3s Lily’ all over her binder is any indication.

 

“So, Emma,” she says one night. “What’s your story?” Emma shrugs. But Ingrid pushes and eventually she tells her. “Abandoned on the side of the road,” she says. “In Maine.”

 

Ingrid looks up the place and finds a town called Storybrooke located nearby – they have this terrible website that uses comic sans but their mayor is a babe and that kind of makes up for it – and the name is just too perfect. This Emma, Ingrid’s at least 80 percent sure she’s the saviour.

 

But she’s too young for the prophecy, which is the point of the whole thing so she erases her memory and sends her off to a new family. She doesn’t keep up with what Emma Swan is doing, not really, but she knows that in, like, 14 years’ time, she’ll be heading to Storybrooke to break some curse.

 

*

 

So she moves to Storybrooke.

 

Living in Storybrooke is rather like living in an alternate universe. She considers opening a coffee shop, giving it a deliciously punny name like Shangri-latte or The Beanstalk. But she doesn’t do well with hot beverages so instead she opens an ice cream parlour.

 

She still gets the pun for a name though. Any Given Sundae.

 

And she has the romance with the cute girl who comes in once a week like clockwork. Ruby’s a tiger in the sack – which is ironic because Ingrid’s pretty sure she’s a werewolf.

 

And she’s going to pounce, she really is. But then there’s Cora Mills and then literally everyone goes to Neverland (and it’s a really tedious time because Ruby just disappears and everyone left in Storybrooke is incredibly straight – except Archie who’s asexual, which is great for visibility but not so great for Ingrid’s sex drive) and then there’s the Wicked Witch. It’s like, she can’t catch a break.

 

But finally, her time comes.

 

“I’ve been watching you all for a while,” she says to Emma, who’s looking at her in horror – and it does hurt a little because she and Emma, they had some good times before she erased her memory and sent her away. The icicles pointing downwards ready to crush Captain Rape Culture are inching ever closer to his head. “This guy,” she adds, gesturing at him. “You can do so much better, Emma. Stalking is not love.”

 

Emma manages to save him but she sees the wheels in her head turning and she’s not surprised when Granny comes by (they swapped recipes over the past year, they’re mates) and tells her in scandalised tones that Emma Swan broke up with Captain Hook on Main Street and he tried to attack her and Regina Mills threw a ball of fire at him and his hair caught alight. “Too much gel,” Granny says with some satisfaction.

 

Interesting. She hasn’t considered Regina and Emma together. The chemistry’s undeniable though and then they destroy her ice monster together, Regina after her to find a cure for Robin’s unfortunate freezing and Emma following along behind in an attempt to repair their friendship.

 

(She had contemplated freezing Marian but Tumblr’s been getting pretty angry at how many shows are killing off minorities and she doesn’t feel particularly comfortable about killing off a woman of colour to service Robin Hood’s manpain. Besides, she thinks, there’s not much difference between frozen and unfrozen Robin really.)

 

Elsa breaks the chains, as she knew she would, and comes to the rescue of her beloved ship because Elsa’s a Swan-Mills shipper (or, she thinks, would Swan Queen be a better name? Fandom sure does like their kicky titles), Ingrid can just tell.

 

“Let me speak with you, dear,” Ingrid says, “and I’ll let them go.”

 

So Elsa stays behind as Emma runs after Regina like a wounded puppy. “Now, dear,” she says. “I have a deal for you.”

 

Elsa glares. “I don’t make deals with villains.”

 

Ingrid continues on as though Elsa hasn’t spoken. “I’ll give you back your sister once you help me get your OTP together.”

 

“My what?” Elsa asks.

 

Oh, Elsa is in for a wild ride once this has all settled down, Ingrid thinks. “Emma and Regina,” she says. “Clearly endgame.”

 

“End what?”

 

Ingrid sighs. It’s going to be a long night.

 

*

 

“I know what you’re trying to do.” It’s a small voice from the entrance to her ice palace. She’s scrolling through her feed and hopes like hell the little boy didn’t see any of the NSFW images. “With my moms.”

 

“And what are you going to do about it?” she asks, rising from the wheeled office chair (it’s super fun on an ice floor, she’s discovered).

 

“Help you,” he says. And Ingrid smiles.

 

“Come here, my dear boy,” she says and Henry walks towards her. His shoes have terrible grip and he slips several times though doesn’t fall. “Now, here’s what I want you to do…”

 

She has to resist the urge to cackle with delight as she, Elsa and Henry stand outside the vault, the lock iced over. Henry got Emma there and then she and Elsa sealed the pair of them in. “They’ll work out their differences,” Ingrid says. “This works all the time on television.”

 

She melts the ice several hours later because she’s not a monster and hides herself away behind a tree before Regina and Emma exit. “Mom, Ma!” Henry says. “I was so worried.” Manipulative little shit, Ingrid thinks fondly.

 

Both his mothers hug him and Ingrid smiles when their hands touch briefly, meeting in the middle of Henry’s back. Emma’s pinky finger brushes against the back of Regina’s hand and they smile at each other and it’s soft and vulnerable and Ingrid is so right. There is chemistry. It’s obvious. Henry gives her the thumbs up.

 

*

 

Phase two of Operation Mongoose Eats Cobra begins (and Henry’s really puzzled when Ingrid starts laughing at the name he’s chosen and cannot stop but she’s not going to explain cunnilingus to a twelve-year-old).

 

She watches as Elsa directs Emma’s attention to Will Scarlet. “So,” Elsa says. “He’s pretty hot.” And it’s like, Elsa, hide your gay better.

 

“I guess,” Emma says doubtfully, looking over at Will who is currently playing darts really badly, though the inch of skin showing between jeans and tee-shirt is quite a pleasant sight.

 

“You should totally… hit that?” Elsa adds and then looks over at where Ingrid is hiding. “I mean, not actually hit because that’s abuse, but you should definitely ask him out on a date.”

 

“I can’t see a future with him,” Emma says.

 

“One date,” Elsa says. “You need a rebound. I have vouchers to this cute little bistro on the waterfront for tomorrow night. Take them.”

 

“How did you get vouchers?” Emma asks.

 

“I won a radio contest,” Elsa says and looks really proud of herself for the lie.

 

So Emma approaches Will Scarlet and they talk and flirt a little and Ingrid’s pretty sure it’s going to work out so she heads over to Mifflin Street where Regina and Henry are in the garden because Regina is digging herself a vegetable patch. “Mom, I know you’re sad about Robin,” Henry says. “But you shouldn’t hide yourself away from your happy ending. You need to go out and find it.”

 

“Is this going to be another deeply inappropriate conversation about my love life, dear?” Regina asks.

 

“You should ask out Marian,” Henry says and Regina drops the spade on her foot.

 

“What?”

 

“Marian. She’s pretty and kind and I know you’re bi, Mom,” Henry says. “I remember you dating Tiana when I was a little kid.”

 

“I…” Regina looks stunned, mouth gaping open.

 

“I’m not saying she’s the love of your life,” Henry says. “But she might be nice. I have vouchers,” he adds. “Grandpa gave them to me.”

 

Regina gets a thoughtful look on her face and when Henry goes inside to get a glass of lemonade, she pulls her phone from her pocket and dials.

 

Ingrid has never been a prouder puppet master in all her life.

 

*

 

She, Elsa and Henry stake out the bistro. Henry insists on wearing a false moustache, which Ingrid thinks is too hipster for words, but she’s picking her battles and the fact that she’s managed to get Elsa out of that hideous polyester gown and into a little black dress is victory enough at this point.

 

The two couples arrive at the same time and Ingrid notes the narrowing of Regina’s eyes, the pursing of her scarlet lips. “Ms Swan,” she says, sneering. “I thought you couldn’t do worse than Hook…”

 

“What are you doing here with _her_?” Emma asks and Ingrid almost feels guilty for being the direct cause of the tears in Emma’s eyes. Almost.

 

“We’re on a date,” Regina says.

 

“You never told me you liked women,” Emma replies.

 

“And why would I have?” Regina asks. “My being queer would just be another privilege you have over me. How well do queer women of colour fare in this world do you think?” Marian looks rather anxious all of a sudden.

 

Emma shrugs. “You know what they say about those who assume…”

 

“No, I don’t,” Regina says. And Ingrid barks out a laugh because she’s watched this episode of ‘Gilmore Girls’ before.

 

She wonders if this is going to work after all, because Regina and Emma ignore each other all through dinner and Emma keeps finding excuses to touch Will’s arm and Regina keeps leaning forward to give Marian a glimpse of her cleavage. Marian mostly looks nervous – though still turned on – and keeps darting looks at Emma as though worried Emma’s going to get up and punch her. But she doesn’t.

 

“This blows,” Henry mutters. “They’re not falling romantically into each other’s arms at all. Can I go home?”

 

“Elsa, take him back to Mifflin Street,” Ingrid says and the pair sneak out through the kitchens.

 

Both couples leave and Ingrid decides to give up. Perhaps she’ll try giving one of them hypothermia next so they have to get naked to warm the afflicted one up. She really likes that trope. It’s kind of a turn on.

 

But then she finds the two of them sucking face up against the side of the bistro, Regina’s fingers laced through Emma’s hair and Emma’s hand squeezing Regina’s butt. “I knew it,” she whispers. “Endgame.” Snapping her fingers, she returns Anna from the guest bedroom of the ice palace to Snow and David’s apartment, unfreezes Robin and sends him back to Marian and the Merry Men(and if that isn’t a name for a troupe of strippers, she’s not sure what is), and sends Henry a message. _Operation Mongoose Eats Cobra an unmitigated success_.

 

Finally. She can get back to watching ‘Selfie’. She’ll let herself be bothered about prophecies and sisters another day. For now, there’s Karen Gillan and John Cho and Ingrid is all in favour of hot people falling in love.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what to tell you guys (I mean, I'd love to be able to blame this on the fact that I took heavy duty pain killers instead of panadol at work today by accident...)


End file.
